I accidentally had phone sex last night
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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