When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
