How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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