I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
