nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
