So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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