When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
