Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
