my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
