I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
