Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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