thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
