I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
