Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
