i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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