I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
