I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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