Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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