just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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