I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
