Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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