Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
