I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
