Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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