Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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