Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
