i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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