Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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