If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
