the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
