I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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