I met the friendliest cop last night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
