We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
