I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
