Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
