your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
