I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
