He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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