in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
