I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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