: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
