I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
