operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So vagazzling was a success
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
