I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
