I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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