At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
