remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
