The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just forgot I was standing up.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
