So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
