All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
