I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
