Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
