i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
